Evil Dead (2013)
I raced home after seeing this, wanted to tell you crazy kids all about it.
Because you need to know as soon as possible: THIS MOVIE IS NOT THE MOST TERRIFYING FILM YOU WILL EVER EXPERIENCE.
I…I was a bit taken in, you see. The trailer, the bold, oh so bold claim of Ultimate Terror, I was expecting…something good.
I was not expecting the Most Terrifying Film Ever, but I was expecting something a little scary. Perhaps something raw, brutal. A take on a wacky/scary classic that would keep me on the edge of my seat.
I do not think this is too much to ask of a horror film.
And yet, here I am, three hours later, feeling guilty I ssshhhed my mom during the beginning.
Because by the end? Oh baby, by the end the both of us were talking to the screen and shaking our heads at how stupid the movie was. How stupid it must’ve taken us for.
You see Cabin in the Woods? It does some cool things, does a great job of pointing out all the worn-out tropes of horror movies.
I thought about Cabin in the Woods CONSTANTLY during this film, because it’s…it’s as if someone saw Cabin in the Woods, and every time that movie rolled out a horror movie cliché and made fun of it, the makers of This film went, “ooooh, that’d be GREAT in a movie. Gotta run home and throw that into the script.”
This movie is a cliché centipede, with the mouth of one cliché sew to the anus of another.
Did you see the trailer? That’s everything good in this movie. Matter of fact, MATTER OF FACT, the trailer is BETTER than the actual film.
Bravo, trailer people! You’ve done it again, tricked us who loved you so. I hope you’re happy, you trailer bastards.
But, my mom and I, we had us some laughs. We kept making hand gestures at the screen (in lieu of talking), trying to warn off the hapless characters. We did the hand signals for:
- DON’T GO IN THERE
- LOOK BEHIND YOU
- DON’T TOUCH HER
- JUST KILL HER
- JUST KILL HIM
- DON’T LET HIM DO THAT
- DON’T SAY THAT
- JUST FUCKING SET THE PLACE ON FIRE (this is a complicated hand signal. my wrists are sore. do not attempt this one unless absolutely necessary)
- OH COME THE FUCK ON
- JUST END, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
- and my personal favorite: OH FOR GOD’S SAKE.
We do have our fun, my mother and I.